Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Dry Run?

Yesterday could have well been a dry run for next months event. Remember folks...


It's the first annual Will-Riney-Frank-Scott-Rob-Traub-Orama!!!! Hosted by The Wood Haven in beautiful Kingsland Texas. Dust off the lawn chairs and Igloo coolers for this hill country extravaganza. Free hot dogs, balloons, and pacifiers for the first 15 kids in the door. Parents will be treated to a weekend of beer, wine, margaritas, and co-op meals cooked by a tag team of amateur to avid cooks vying for the title of Top Weekend Chef. Infants will be competing for best, All-Nighter Award, while the toddlers will test the skills of the adults in the, Baby Proofing the Vacation House reality show. The older kids will surely put on a Superpowers vs. Girl Power Talent show. Join us for this premier event and help make this a tradition to remember!

The Will's were kind enough, or at least paying forward some good posse karma, and opened their house to all of us. A last minute party favor was arranged by out stellar hostess and with the exception of a foot pedal to operate the spigot while holding a baby it was perfect addition. This was far better than the one made out of a 5 gallon water cooler, a spare garbage disposal, and leftover PVC tubing. The pool was perfect. The grill was sizzling. We had enough baby gear to make Jon & Kate jealous. We were missing the Rob squad due to their remote location. We will be infiltrating the land of hippies and poorly planned toll roads next weekend to see if we can further coerce them to leave that mota smoking compound and head north to the silicone and botox capital of Texas.

My wife asked if I thought everything went well? I thought for a moment and realized that every fell perfectly into place. Guys gathered around the table talking about guy things (boobs, movies, glory days, Chuck's new book idea, applying for a patent for a foot pedal operated rita machine). The girls hanging around lounge chairs talking about girl things (their wonderful and doting husbands, pedicures, cookie recipes, high fashion). And the kids somewhere in between. Entropy had been achieved.

I don't know about you guys...but I thought it went great!

Monday, May 19, 2008

Sardonic Update

May already? 95 degrees already? School is out in two weeks. What the heck.

Babies are doing well for the most part. Deb just wagged a bottle in my face that she managed to get the little one to eat in 10 mins. My hour worth of effort didn't even get half of it down. They are still a little fussy but the reflux meds have helped. We had a baby shower for one of my coworkers the other day. Restaurant events are mostly coed since they usually center around drinking, smoking, and acting like juveniles after too many Jagerbombs. I guess most were a little surprised and a little miffed that I turned down shots and disappeared to change diapers. They were even bemused enough to video me holding/bouncing both babies at once when they started to get fussy. After being ribbed about having to change diapers I explained that it was a fair trade off for not having to wake up and feed them at 2, 4, and 6 am. Guess I'm not the wild one anymore.

My little offspring are the butter in my biscuit. Watching them grow and change is a source of constant amazement and amusement. Learning not to leave the boy naked as a jay bird on the bed after a bath is not good. Guess I'm sleeping in the wet spot tonight.

My 4th anniversary of turning 30 is coming up soon and I am totally unconcerned. Birthdays for me are very low on my days of importance. Far behind Christmas, Thanksgiving, August 11th, Feb 20th, and Albanian liberation day. I don't request of require large crowds, organized gatherings, or flaming baked goods. For a few years my request was give me a remote control and a bucket of chicken and let me watch the Indy 500 and Coca Cola 600 in peace. This year how about a gift card to the local gas station since we are road tripping to Austin the day after. For that I will love and admire you for years.

We are moving in a month. Yes, 30 days. Denial has begun. Procrastination is my mantra. But the idea of having more than 1900 sqft for six humans and one seriously over sized dog will get me through this for sure. I still have a bathroom to finish and prolly 15 rooms to paint so it should be an eventful month.

Yes we are down to one dog. The little one got a little wired the last couple of weeks. Ok...she was nuttier than a fruit cake. She growled and snapped at Debbie a couple of times and finally took a shot at me. I returned her to the SPCA and told them her name was Boomerang. I felt a little guilty considering the number of people I chastised for bringing a dog back because of a new family addition when I worked for a rescue group. The lady in line behind me was doing the same thing except that she had newborn triplets. Trumped! Guess I should take her pictures ff my page and replace them with images of the babies.

Hope this post will help roto-rooter my creative plumbing so I can attempt to amuse you guys or just myself more often.

Parting note. Deb just found this in a magazine. A snack ball. I see toddlers sling ceramic bread plates like they are playing frisbee golf on a regular basis. And great for travel? I foresee a three car pile up caused by a rigid round container of cheerios bouncing off the back of a parents head and rolling under the break pedal.

2 year old + ball = throwing. Pretzel crumbs anyone?

Sunday, May 11, 2008

I promise...

I promise to start blogging more often. Mom, my wife, and those 3 adoring fans I have on StatCounter that venture back daily. I promise to start tomorrow because today was pretty interesting and funny. But until then I shall share some common thoughts I found posted on, "The Best of Craigslist."

Common Carpool Courtesy

You would think most of what I have to say would be self-evident behavior for the drop off line at school, but sadly, it seems not. What the hell are you people thinking?

First, of course,...people, get off your fucking cell phones! How many times do people have to be told this? You’re in line for 2 minutes (unless there is another inconsiderate fuck like you in the line), don’t you think the high profile world issues you face on a daily basis could wait until you drive off? Pull forward fucktard!

Second, coffee...you prepping your $6.50 cup cream-mocha-latté-whateverthefuckitis is not an acceptable reason for holding the rest of us up. If you just have to mix your lead filled package of Chinese slave labor flavoring before heading off to your stressful day, could you drop your child off, pull to the side, and do it out of the flow of traffic? Pull forward fucktard!

Third, whatever the hell it is you are digging for in your console. Why do you stare at the line, eyes fixed forward, waiting...waiting...waiting...and then just seconds before it’s time to pull forward, you pull your hands away from the wheel, flip open your console, and start digging for...?...what? What the hell are you digging for? You never find it! The statistical odds of finding anything in your console, while waiting in line to drop off you child, is nill. You have proven time and time again. It’s not there. It’s never there. Pull forward fucktard!

Next, dressing your kid in the car. If you don’t have your child dressed by the time you arrive at the drop off line, then you are not ready to get in the drop off line. Most of us dress our kids at home…I know, weird concept! If your kid is late, your kid is late...and dressing him or her in front of the school, in line, holding the rest of us up, does not somehow magically stop the clock and make it all OK. I know, I know, “It takes a village,” but the village is stacking up behind you, and we really wish you would pull forward fucktard!

OK, “Snoop-Dog”...yes, you driving the 1987 Corolla with the snap-on hubcap spinners and the bumper sticker that says “My other car is Tupac”, stop getting out of your car each day, defiantly starring at the line waiting behind you, and doing that fucking swagger where you hold your balls with one hand and walk as s-l-o-w-a-s-f-u-c-k-i-n-g-p-o-s-s-i-b-l-e around to the other side of your car to let your kid out. There are two teachers and ten monitors there to make sure you kid gets out safely. If you just have to do this routine everyday, then move to the side, otherwise...pull forward fucktard!

Slack-jawed people...I am pretty sure you can’t read this, but hopefully a nose breather has seen it and passed it on to you...that big empty space in front of you...the big 5 car space between you and the lady up there on her cell phone...that is a space which your car and the 4 people behind you should be filling in. Those people up there with the safety vests, waving their arms, looking at you like you should close your mouth and step on the accelerator are giving you the universal signal to...pull forward fucktard!

Last, the stay at home moms...do you have to talk to every other stay at home mother that you happen to see on school grounds? What the hell do you have to talk about each and every day? You just talked to her yesterday when you held us all up, what could possibly transpired in the last 24 hours that would require you to once again pull forward 5 feet, step on the brake, try to roll the window down, hit the locks, lock again, roll down the window, talk for-fucking-ever, and then roll your window up, pull forward another 5 feet, and repeat the whole process again? Maybe you could start a coffee clutch, a “La Madelin’s For Moms,” or some other type of morning meeting that would satisfy your craving for endless conversation, but somewhere other than in front of the other 20 cars trying to drop their kids off. Until you come up with a plan, could you please pull ALL the way forward fucktard!