Monday, January 28, 2008



P.I.M.P. COM (The Prenatal Intelligence Management Program Command Center) has released the following message.

After reviewing the information from D.R.H.S. additional funding was approved for continued black ops surveillance of the U.F.D. Agent Eisenberg reports that the situation seems to be under control and no changes are apparent from previous reports. PIMPCOM has authorized another clandestine fly-over code named, Operation Jelly Belly, early next week to gather more images for the intelligence committee to review. As of last weekend it seems that all preparations have been taken and the budget for defense and containment has been expended. Please stay tuned to alerts from the D.H.R.S for further updates and information.


Monday, January 21, 2008


The following is an announcement from the D.H.R.S.

The D.R.H.S. (Department of Reininger Homeland Security) has raised its state of readiness to DEFCON 3 after receiving Intel from Agent Eisenberg that, "A breach has been located in the critical stop gap that is containing the U.F.D. (Uncontrollable Fetal Duo)." While the gap is reported to only measure 1 cm this is grounds for concern considering the containment structure has shown exceptional strength and determination to not be breached even after 40 hours of intense effort from opposing forces. This is an ominous warning due to nature of this event and the double threat that is currently expected.

Be prepared for unexpected phone calls in the middle of the night. Keep cameras and video recorders charged and ready. Be sure to review and rehearse the call list if you have received one. Stay away from windows and doors. And never under any circumstances look directly at the blast. Please stay tuned to your local blog for further information and instructions.

This concludes this warning from the D.R.H.S. warning system.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Well said...

List of parental requirements:
  • Affection without sentiment
  • Authority without cruelty
  • Discipline without aggression
  • Humor without ridicule
  • Sacrifice without obligation
  • Companionship without possessiveness

William E. Blatz

Monday, January 7, 2008

My Turn

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car),

Bubba Montero

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie),

Nada (lactose intolerant) Chocolate chip.

3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name),


4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal),
Blue Dane

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born),

Mark Austin

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first),

Rei-br (dumb)

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink),

The Green Stoli

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers),

Frank Roy

9. STRIPPER NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy),

Basic Instinct Twix

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names ),

Caye Lynn (Apparently my name was going to be Cayelynn if I was a girl)

11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter),

Carpenter Cleveland

12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower).

Fall Fly Trap (LOL...couldn't resist)

13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + “ie” or “y”)

Mango Shorty

14. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree),

Taquito Oak

15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + fave hobby/craft, fave weather + “Tour”),

The Fishing Blizzard

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Top 5 things I love about my girl...

Thanks to the movie High Fidelity I am making a list. This movie was driving my girl crazy, so I had to catzo the situation.

1. That she has been the only person to shake my soul and reality in so long. She encourages me, albeit indirectly, to consider life and how much better it is with her. She truly makes my life better.

2. The was she holds and kisses me. There is no place I would rather be than in her arms. She makes loving and being loved fell more wonderful than ever.

3. The maternal instinct and love she has for her children. Enough said there.

4. The fact that she can adapt and work under many conditions. Granted she may come home is a bawling heap of tears after dealing with it all day. But while she is doing it she is a picture of composure.

5. She smells absolutely wonderful. We both agree that noticeable smell and those indiscernible pheromones are a make or break factor.

Fales Alarm #1

Last weekend I informed the management staff that from this day forward I was, "on call." Not at their beck and call, at the mercy of the dittos and a uterus. If I drop drinks, hand you my closed checks and cash, peel off my apron and shirt while making a mad dash out of the closest exit, to my waiting car in my rented VIP parking space just strides from the front door don't worry. I informed host staff that if my wife calls in the middle of a shift that they are allowed to interrupt me, even if I am in the middle of gingerly extricating the cork of a '67 Brunello, without fear of gnashing teeth and evil eyes. I shall return.

I did get a call last night as I was wrapping up. It was not quite as shocking since I had called Sass a couple of hours earlier and reassured her that it was ok to call the doctor if you are having more than 4 Braxton Hicks an hour. My over zealous supervisor that is expecting his first child almost tripped coming down the stairs and practically yanked the bottle of strawberry sauce out of my hand since the kitchen staff kindly left me solo to make what ever postres be ordered late that night. I calmly got my stuff in order and left.

The on call doctor recommended that Deb go in for observation and to take a, Hydroponic Protein Synthesis Assessment, or what ever it was called to see if there was a chance she would go into labor in the next 2 weeks. All was well and all was normal.

Will the posse out there please reassure my wife that false alarms are OK. This pregnancy is going to be much different from her 2 singletons. And that she is not, wasting the time of the 3rd shift labor and delivery nurses on a slow Wednesday night, because thats what they are there for.

I have to admit, for all the issues and complications that could occur with 29 week twins, I was quite excited.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Hola 2008!

Reading over a few random blog sites i realized I missed the oppritunity to bid farewell to '07. C'est la vie. So hello '08. Now, before you go on expecting me to wax poetically about my New Year's resolutions and best of intentions, let me quash the directly. I made a resolution back in '99, (you know...the year that the entire world was going to collapse into anarchy and chaos because computers were going to think it was 1900, crap their hard drives, and short circuit like Number 5), that I would never make another New Year's resolution. That one I have kept!!!

I can say that it has been an auspicious start. Woke up at the crack of 11am, let the heathens out of their crates. The foug legged ones for all of you that have C.P.S. on speed dial. Enjoyed watching my copious wife stand in the kitchen, sans footwear, making waffles while I tried not to make an obnoxious and outdated comment about gender roles and misogynistic expectations. We soon settled back on to another furniture piece made for complete torpidity that was essentially our Festivus present to each other. Deb soon was over come by her
Olde English man crush who left her short of breath and making low moaning noises while I settled into a morning/early afternoon of blog surfing and channel flipping finally settling for a marathon of Dirty Jobs.

Sidebar. I do find it interesting that the current tabs I have open are a parenting blog, an online yiddish dictionary, wikipedia tuned to a page on tetsubins, and Random huh.

I truly do not know what to expect from the new year. The biggest event is less than 60 days away. Birth of the dittos. Baby X and Baby Y as they are affectionately referred to by the Step-Mother In Law. I have a bit of experience with toddlers and am pretty well versed with the 3-8 age range. But infants are a whole other barrel of monkeys. I was entrusted with Pea and Krunk a few times in their diaper bound years, but for no more than a couple of hours at a time.

My first experience with a heavy ladened diaper containing a quagmire of excrement was quite entertaining. I recalled advice from and old preacher that involved rinsing the offending bottom of said infant by cranking on the bath tub faucet. I also contemplated reattaching the soiled garment and calling the Mum on the lam back from her errand early to deal with the situation. But I lacked the ear plugs and amount Oust to make the return time tolerable. I did call to get advice which drew shrieks of laughter and, "I told you so's" from the girls. Not to worry. The catastrophe was averted and I managed to clean and re-swaddle the crumb snatcher with the speed and dexterity of a drunken tree sloth. Of course upon return the mother hen informed me that I had installed the disposable garment backwards.

Surely I will become much more capable with the expected 1,200 changes that twins average in their first 3 months of existence. I mean seriously, if we divide this responsibility fairly (70/30), that puts me at 360 changes in 90 days. I think I can handle that. Sleep deprivation can lead to hallucinating which is like dreaming while awake. Just think, not having to brush your teeth and change into jammies to have a nice detachment from reality. Brilliant!!! But seriously, the sheer joy of two new additions to coddle and love will be wonderful until we realize that the odds are now two to one. F5, meet the R6. Much obliged.

Contemplating this new arrangement makes me less inclined to make lofty resolutions or goals. Gone is my goal to summit high peaks or train for the Ironman. Hello to new lessons in multi-tasking. I now scrutinize cargo pants for their capacity for emergency diapers and extra pacifiers. My current goals are to finish cleaning out the garage and purchase the perfect anti-diaper-bag-diaper-bag. I am thinking something along the lines of this.

I do, however, pledge a few things. Procrastinate less, read more, worry less, enjoy more. I promise to use my quick wit and tongue for more edification and less instigation. Be more organized. Be less critical. Actually spend more time with friends and family that I do talking about how much we need to get together. These are all lifestyle and attitude changes that will probably be a necessity with the dittos coming.

So bring it on '08. I am ready and willing. We have adopted the proper state of mind and are prepared to roll with the punches. Can't wait to see what the year in review will hold.

BTW...2007 highlights/low lights.

1. Feb 27. Skiloping in Breckenridge. Nothing cooler that saying "I do" at 11,000 feet. was cold!!!

2. Later the same evening deciding to try having a baby of our own.

3. Trading in my tough guy work truck for a kid friendly SUV.

4. Celebrating the third anniversary of my 30th b-day.

5. Two pink lines=positive

6. The moment my heart and the world stopped when they found the second embryo.

7. My beautiful wife turning 30 and still turning heads.

8. Nursing my beautiful wife through 12 weeks of morning sickness.

9. Realizing that my pants are tight because I don't need to eat every two hours like my wife.

10. Our little man starting Kindergarten with excitement and gusto.

11. Trading Deb's curb hopping Jetta for a Minivan.

12. Finding out we are having one of each. This will be the first girl born in our family in 52 years.

13. Seeing my final earnings for the year and sticking up an empathetic middle finger out to all of those chuckle heads that think that my job is not a worth while money making profession.

14. Actually getting to spend NYE with my wife and not behind the bar or out back sending her a text message and sipping prosecco out if a styrofoam cup.

15. Smiling at the collection of "cribs and shit" in the corner of our makeshift nursery/home office before turning out the lights on 2007 and going to bed.