Dads day out. WTF

I bit the bullet and went to my first SAHDs of Dallas group outing. They usually meet at kid friendly restaurants or brown bag it at local parks. Apparently gun ranges and Hooters are not their style. I admit I had some slight reservations after considering the few men that I have either met or seen on those Dateline specials about working moms that are the family bread winners. Ok...I was a victim of my own generalizations and stereotyping. I mean seriously. What normal red blooded, sports watching, car drooling, butt scratching, competition belching, cleavage oggling guy would choose to not only stay at home but make attempts to find other previously said guys to share bottle preferences and loaded diaper stories with? None. Not a single one.

Now I admit that I share a few (all) of the previously listed characteristics but I do so with panache (vain attempts to act refined) and style (superfluous denial). But for the most part I am a perfect gentleman (full of shit). I am accepting of others and very malleable in social situations. But when confronted with denizens of people that speak a different language (Klingon) and think in different ways (Chaos Theory) I tend to be at a loss for words. So who are the members of these groups.

Enter the work from home programmer with four different mobile communications devices attached to his belt and a hands free earpiece clipped to his suspenders. We all know that these two gravity defying clothing accessories are options. Meant to perform their duty alone, without coexistence. Like matter and anti-matter. Not combined to create a bandoleer of technology. I must admit I admired how he deftly utilized a black berry and iphone while discussing the Malthusian experiment going on in the pond at the park.

Next was the mobility impaired (hobbled) dad that was effectively chaperoned by his four year old. The munchkin closed the driver side door for dad, carried the diaper bag, lunch, and folding chair and herded his 2 year old sister without question or protest. I worried about our knock kneed joiner making it across the lawn from the parking lot to the tree we congregated under. I met them half way and offered to help carry some gear but was shunned by the little care taker. "I got it mister...always do" was all he said. I just realized that I had peered into to 4 year old eyes going on 40. I did get the skinny from the dad who explained that his doctors claimed that his bone and joint degeneration was similar to that seen in people suffering from long term malnutrition. He figured it was from his choice of eating and drinking only saltine crackers, canned sausages, and water from the age of 6-13. Medical science was flabbergasted by the demise of his lower joints but he was convinced he did it to himself. He soon initiated a Klingon pronunciation lesson with suspender guy.

There was also the unemployed for the last 7 years dad that was convinced that he had been black listed by the entirety of the technology industry. He has applied, he has interviewed, he has...I would have been interrupted by him by now because no one could finish a sentence without him correcting your grammar, pronunciation, accuracy of information, or disputing yours or anyone’s opinion. I would call this trait a deal breaker for the interview process. He was also the organizer of a board game playing group the meets at Cafe Brazil every Tuesday night for round robin tournaments. I was not invited.

All in all I was the odd one out. I have an evening job, I am in relatively good physical and mental health, I have a great relationship with my wife, and I like to socialize. I tried to initiate and interject in conversation but was viewed with skepticism and distrust. I had not seen all the installments of LOTR or Star Wars (anathema!!!). I followed the group to the play ground and down to the pond to watch the kids feed the ducks and turtles. I toted the twins around one in each arm. Beck's hat fell off in full view of the group and I had to set him down on the ground, put it back on his head, and pick him back up (A LITTLE HELP HERE?) while the dads shook their heads and commented on how hard it must be to handle them both at the same time.

The only person I related to was the one mom that showed up. She quickly snatched up a baby and a sippy cup. We talked about birth weights, sleep habits, school districts. She was pleasant and upbeat. Either way I realized I was out of my element.



I will try again. I will pick a different day and see if the mix is a little more accepting of my alternative lifestyle. But if it doesn’t work out I will start my own little group known as,



R.elatively

E.mployed

D.ads

N.ot

E.ntierly

C.onsumed by

K.lingon

S.ociety

If it means anything, I was the only one that got the Maltusian reference.