Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Hola 2008!

Reading over a few random blog sites i realized I missed the oppritunity to bid farewell to '07. C'est la vie. So hello '08. Now, before you go on expecting me to wax poetically about my New Year's resolutions and best of intentions, let me quash the directly. I made a resolution back in '99, (you know...the year that the entire world was going to collapse into anarchy and chaos because computers were going to think it was 1900, crap their hard drives, and short circuit like Number 5), that I would never make another New Year's resolution. That one I have kept!!!

I can say that it has been an auspicious start. Woke up at the crack of 11am, let the heathens out of their crates. The foug legged ones for all of you that have C.P.S. on speed dial. Enjoyed watching my copious wife stand in the kitchen, sans footwear, making waffles while I tried not to make an obnoxious and outdated comment about gender roles and misogynistic expectations. We soon settled back on to another furniture piece made for complete torpidity that was essentially our Festivus present to each other. Deb soon was over come by her
Olde English man crush who left her short of breath and making low moaning noises while I settled into a morning/early afternoon of blog surfing and channel flipping finally settling for a marathon of Dirty Jobs.

Sidebar. I do find it interesting that the current tabs I have open are a parenting blog, an online yiddish dictionary, wikipedia tuned to a page on tetsubins, and Nascar.com. Random huh.

I truly do not know what to expect from the new year. The biggest event is less than 60 days away. Birth of the dittos. Baby X and Baby Y as they are affectionately referred to by the Step-Mother In Law. I have a bit of experience with toddlers and am pretty well versed with the 3-8 age range. But infants are a whole other barrel of monkeys. I was entrusted with Pea and Krunk a few times in their diaper bound years, but for no more than a couple of hours at a time.

My first experience with a heavy ladened diaper containing a quagmire of excrement was quite entertaining. I recalled advice from and old preacher that involved rinsing the offending bottom of said infant by cranking on the bath tub faucet. I also contemplated reattaching the soiled garment and calling the Mum on the lam back from her errand early to deal with the situation. But I lacked the ear plugs and amount Oust to make the return time tolerable. I did call to get advice which drew shrieks of laughter and, "I told you so's" from the girls. Not to worry. The catastrophe was averted and I managed to clean and re-swaddle the crumb snatcher with the speed and dexterity of a drunken tree sloth. Of course upon return the mother hen informed me that I had installed the disposable garment backwards.

Surely I will become much more capable with the expected 1,200 changes that twins average in their first 3 months of existence. I mean seriously, if we divide this responsibility fairly (70/30), that puts me at 360 changes in 90 days. I think I can handle that. Sleep deprivation can lead to hallucinating which is like dreaming while awake. Just think, not having to brush your teeth and change into jammies to have a nice detachment from reality. Brilliant!!! But seriously, the sheer joy of two new additions to coddle and love will be wonderful until we realize that the odds are now two to one. F5, meet the R6. Much obliged.

Contemplating this new arrangement makes me less inclined to make lofty resolutions or goals. Gone is my goal to summit high peaks or train for the Ironman. Hello to new lessons in multi-tasking. I now scrutinize cargo pants for their capacity for emergency diapers and extra pacifiers. My current goals are to finish cleaning out the garage and purchase the perfect anti-diaper-bag-diaper-bag. I am thinking something along the lines of this.

I do, however, pledge a few things. Procrastinate less, read more, worry less, enjoy more. I promise to use my quick wit and tongue for more edification and less instigation. Be more organized. Be less critical. Actually spend more time with friends and family that I do talking about how much we need to get together. These are all lifestyle and attitude changes that will probably be a necessity with the dittos coming.

So bring it on '08. I am ready and willing. We have adopted the proper state of mind and are prepared to roll with the punches. Can't wait to see what the year in review will hold.

BTW...2007 highlights/low lights.

1. Feb 27. Skiloping in Breckenridge. Nothing cooler that saying "I do" at 11,000 feet. Seriously...it was cold!!!

2. Later the same evening deciding to try having a baby of our own.

3. Trading in my tough guy work truck for a kid friendly SUV.

4. Celebrating the third anniversary of my 30th b-day.

5. Two pink lines=positive

6. The moment my heart and the world stopped when they found the second embryo.

7. My beautiful wife turning 30 and still turning heads.

8. Nursing my beautiful wife through 12 weeks of morning sickness.

9. Realizing that my pants are tight because I don't need to eat every two hours like my wife.

10. Our little man starting Kindergarten with excitement and gusto.

11. Trading Deb's curb hopping Jetta for a Minivan.

12. Finding out we are having one of each. This will be the first girl born in our family in 52 years.

13. Seeing my final earnings for the year and sticking up an empathetic middle finger out to all of those chuckle heads that think that my job is not a worth while money making profession.

14. Actually getting to spend NYE with my wife and not behind the bar or out back sending her a text message and sipping prosecco out if a styrofoam cup.

15. Smiling at the collection of "cribs and shit" in the corner of our makeshift nursery/home office before turning out the lights on 2007 and going to bed.

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